He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
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She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
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I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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