no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
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There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
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Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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