Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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