If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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