I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
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I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
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When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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