So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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