I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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