I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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