ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
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Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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