Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize