Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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