Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize