I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize