Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize