pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
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Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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