In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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