btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
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There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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