He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
