So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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