Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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