Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
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You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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