I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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