college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
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I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
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I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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