Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
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She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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