I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
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She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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