I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
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giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
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Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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