The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
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He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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