Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
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you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
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If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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