I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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