I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
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Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
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that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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