How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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