my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Let's get the cat blown out
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize