I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
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My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
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I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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