Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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