when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
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drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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