Have you finally orgasmed yet?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
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I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
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He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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