If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
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Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
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I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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