Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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