i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize