I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
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you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
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I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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