I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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