you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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