I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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