If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize