i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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