shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
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After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
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While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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