Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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