Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
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My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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