Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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