Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
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You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
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i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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